I have to apply for a job today.  I don’t want to.   It’s one of my least favorite things to do.  I’ve sent out hundreds, if not thousands, of resumes in my life – yet I’ve only had a few jobs.  The return on my time has been horrible.

For someone who is told as often as I am that I have a great resume, I sure do have a hard time finding a job.  My resume is excellent at getting me lip service, but nothing more – flattering comments that boost my ego but ultimately do nothing for me.  I guess that’s better than being told my resume sucks and I am a jerk, but it still gets frustrating after a while.

Online Job Applications Can Die

So far, I have applied as an English teacher, creative tutor, dog walker, dog groomer, bartender, and cook.  I have received no callbacks or interviews.  Usually, I don’t wait for callbacks.  I take the initiative and follow up.  But since these are online applications, I don’t know who is reading them (if anyone is reading them).  The decision-makers keep themselves hidden on purpose.  They don’t want people like me bothering them, and I don’t blame them.  I wouldn’t either.  There are dozens of people like me looking for jobs and only one of them.

I’ve dropped resumes all over the neighborhood looking for bartending gigs, to no avail.  The good thing about bars is you can walk right in and talk to the manager.  If there is more than one level of management, then they tell you to apply online.  That’s where the nonsense starts.

When they tell you to apply online, they might as well tell you to go fuck yourself because the second you apply online, you become a needle in a haystack.  Another nameless, faceless statistic lost in the electronic abyss – like you don’t even exist.  I have done hundreds of online job applications in my life – and spent dozens, if not hundreds, of hours on them.  Yet, I have never got a job from an online application.  Not once.  It makes me think that I am wasting my time.

I Contemplated Moving Into My Car…But Didn’t

I have about a month before I get evicted from my apartment.  That doesn’t give me much time, but it’s doable.  I’ve been in this position before and made it out, but there are never any guarantees.  I caught a good break last time and need another one now.  I don’t know what will happen, but I know I will keep documenting all of it.  My ego will keep loving the lip service, but my actual self will keep hoping it turns into something tangible.  Soon.

At one point, I considered ditching my apartment and moving into my car.  My apartment is by far my biggest expense.  If I could cut that expense completely, I could afford to spend less time at a job – which would free me up for what I want to do (train, write, play the guitar, draw).

I called my Mom, and after talking it over, I decided that ditching my apartment and moving into my car would be counterproductive.  All I ultimately care about is making art, and living in a car will impede making art, not aid it.  There is nothing romantic about it.  It won’t make my life any less complicated.  The only difference is that simple things like eating, bathing, and using the bathroom will become complicated – which, again, is counterproductive.

Even more importantly, living in my car would be bad for my health because sleeping in a car and other awkward positions would be bad for my back.  Plus, I tailored my apartment perfectly to suit my work needs.  Every detail about it – the placement of every item – is designed to make my workflow.  It’s near perfect.  Losing a space I worked so hard to build would be a tragedy.  So I made the decision – I must find a job to save my home and workspace.

This puts me in the irreconcilable position of looking for a job I don’t want.

It reminds me of this weekend when I was caring for my good friend’s Pitbull.  She needed drops in her ears from the vet – and she hated them.  She hated those drops like I hate looking for jobs.  She hated them so much that she ran away from me and tried to hide in her crate and stick her head in places where I couldn’t reach it.  The closer I got to her ears, the harder she fought with me.  I love her and hated doing that to her almost as much as she hated me doing it – but she needed the drops.  She hated the drops, but she needed them.

That’s just like me.  I hate looking for a job, but I need it.

How I Found Motivation to Send Out Resumes

The only highlight for me was realizing that now I get to add my blog to my resume.  The thought of people seeing the blog on my resume and then wanting to read it made me happy.  The more I think about it, sending out resumes might be the best way to promote the blog.

Now I have a real reason to send out resumes, and it’s not to look for a job.  It’s to promote my blog.