Everyone loves a good shit-your-pants story, and I almost had one this morning.

I have to shit first thing every morning, usually between 6:00 and 7:30 a.m.  I don’t have an alarm clock.  I wake up when I have to shit.  That’s how I know it’s time to start the day.

But this morning, when I woke up to shit, my roommate was in the shower.  And my morning shit does not like to wait.  Not for a minute.

First, I looked for a place to shit outside.  But I live in a residential area with no brushes or woods nearby.

So I went back inside and opened the closet to grab a bucket.  I read in a book that you can put a garbage bag inside a bucket, sit on it, and use it like a toilet.  So that was my first idea.  But the bucket was buried under a bunch of stuff in the closet, and I thought I’d shit my pants if I dug for it.

So I grabbed two grocery bags instead and put one inside of the other.  Then I squatted down, held the double bag below my ass like a diaper, and took a shit into it.  I executed the move perfectly and didn’t spill so much as a drop of pee on the floor.

This was literally the first thing that happened when I got out of bed this morning.